Some Father's Day "forevers," sappiness not required

Five Things My Son is Learning From his Daddy:

 

1) It's okay to be proud that you're from the South.

 

2) It's okay to take your time. Low 'n' slow is the way to go.

 

3) Hard rock, classic rock, Southern rock, lesser-known tracks of '50s and '60s rock 'n' roll, dub reggae, underground surf rock, old-time mountain music and gritty blues are all vastly superior to any collection of music specifically geared for children -- unless it happens to be the specifically-geared-for-children albums made by Jerry Garcia, Johnny Cash or Leadbelly.

 

4) Disney is an evil oligarchy insistent on stealing your innocent's child's soul. SpongeBob, on the other hand, is totally harmless.

 

5) Daddy's got your back. Always and forever. Bullies can try to bring it, but they ain't gettin past Daddy.

 

A Few Things I Learned From my Own Daddy:

 

1) A whole lot of dads don't wear ties and play golf, as all of the Fathers' Day cards sold for the last 50 years would have you believe. Some dads like to drink beer and gamble on horses instead.

 

2) Sarcasm can get you through anything.

 

3) A divorced dad doesn't have to be an absentee dad. Even if said divorced dad would rather eat carbuncle soup than talk about his feelings or dispense sage fatherly advice, the fact that he's around, in all his shambly sideways obliqueness, means a lot.

 

4) Lying is bad, but exaggerating to the point of nonrecognition is just a birthright.

 

5) That's not a purr that comes out of a cat's throat. It's a motor, like a boat. The two entities work exactly the same.

 

(He's never backed off from this.)